JOKES !!! XD

maxime wrote:nice lol

what do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?

still no idea

(( still - because no legs) no eye dear ))
lol
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omg i love them chuck norris jokes XD

ARGH I AM SO WANTING TO SEE THIS ACTIVE AGAIN >.<
________ To start it off!!

Was depressed last night. So I rang Samaritans, I got a call centre in

Pakistan told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could

fly a plane.

Thanks, I have been Looking for this.


There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league .

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real [bleep] this time.'

BOB' s funeral will be on Friday .

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A blonde got into heaven, and when she arrived at the Pearly Gates, she was asked one question: "What is God's name?" She replied, "Andy."

"Andy? Why Andy?", she was asked.

She replied, "Oh, you know, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.'

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One day, two planes land at an airport. President George W. Bush gets out of one. A man wearing a white robe gets out of the other and starts walking away. The Pesident catches up to him, and says, "Excuse me sir. Are you Moses?" the man keeps walking. The president follows him. "Excuse me sir. Are you Moses. The man keeps on walking. The president runs ahead of the man and stops him, repeating himself once more. "Excuse me sir. Are you Moses. finally, the man stopped and replied, "Yes, but the last time i talked to a bush i ended up wandering the desert for 40 years."

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A man finds a handsome, but unusually inexpensive horse. The seller
tells him, "He's cheap because a Baptist minister trained him, and he
don't respond to normal commands. Say Amen and he goes,
yell ‘Praise the Lord' and he stops."
The man replies, "At that price, I'll take him anyway."
Soon after, the man is riding the horse when it's suddenly spooked
by a snake. It dashes in a panic toward the edge of a steep cliff.
The man yells, "Stop! Stop!"
The horse races on.
bowing his head, he mutters a pray, and Finishes with Amen,
at that moment the horse Stops,
Looking down at the 1000 foot drop just feet away, he almost faints
Then Look up to the sky he yells “Praise the Lord!!”

lmao Tori, those are good ^^





Touch it gently put 2 fingers inside if its big put 3 fingers in make sure its wet, rub it up and down. Now that’s how you wash a cup.
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I love the way it rubs and thrusts against the soft pink flesh up and down in and out creating a think white mess … god I love my tooth brush.

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Last night you came into my room and sucked me until you were satisfied, tonight I’m looking forward to you coming back so I can bang you against the wall… bloody mosquito.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes ailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

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Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

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A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk.

"And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

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Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

XDhaha im liking your jokes Tori XD (making my stomach hurt from laughing so much hehe


Valentines flowers: $80, Dinner and Movie: $130, Hotel Room: $200, look on his face when you tell him that you have your period: PRICELESS.

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Went to a wife swapping party the other night, it was f-ing fantastic, I got a socket set a cordless drill for the old slapper

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Christmas time, valium and wine, children indulging in serious crime with dad on the weed and mom high on crack Christmas is magic when your family is black.

>_< SEE you can be Funny AND Clean, you just got to take the Incentive

lol i guess so but i still like the old dirty jokes ^^

Had a bloody crash this morning, hit a car up the arse, the fallah come out and he was a dwarf he said I’m not happy, I said well witch one are you then.

youre jokes are fantanstic guys XD
(my bf didnt like them =P ) XD

thanks Kiri i found alot of the jokes that im posting are a bit dirty
its hard to find clean ones that are not as offensive.
but if i do post those types up ill be sure to make sure everyone is warned lol
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Donald Duck goes into a chemist and asks for a condom, "of course Mr Duck" says the chemist, "shall i put it on your bill?" "F*&k you!" screams Donald i know where it goes.

XD

well max..... if you dont want to post those dirty jokes on here....
pm me Ö_Ö !!!!
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why does the blonde go across the street

(she following all the other chicks XD

ok dokey ^^

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what sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Lets ring your mum and find out ^_^

i dont get it

O-o me either, but I don't think we want to know.

lol kiri think about it and you will^^

uhhh... already asked my bf... he didnt get it either

what sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Lets ring your mum and find out ^_^

guy 1:what sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

guy 2:lets call ur mom and find out.

guys 2 says that guy 1 is the ugliest baby and he needs to ask guys 1's mom what position she did it in.
i hate explaining jokes XD

-.- yep, heres me thinking that joke explained itself...

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The Economy is soooo bad woman are actually having sex with their husbands because they cant afford batteries >.<

lmao XD

Spoiler:

lmao ^^
good one Kiri!!

A blonde’s boy friend is cheating, she buys a gun. She puts the gun to her own head. Boyfriend Yells no don’t do it. Blonde says “shut the f^%$ up your next”.

A man asked a woman do you want to play magic. She asks what is magic. He says we go to my place we drink we talk we make love and then tada!! you disappear.

O.O oooo how does he dooo thaat!! lol

o.o Math humor...

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

-There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...

-"In a dark, narrow alley, a function and a differential operator meet:
"Get out of my way - or I'll differentiate you till you're zero!"
"Try it - I'm e^x...""
(I don't expect anyone to understand this, but I find it hilarious xD )

And yes x.x I'm ridiculous.

Haha...funny stuff, even funnier is that the problem is so easy, its 5.

A little Altar boy is leaving church one Sunday when the priest shouts out "see you later alligator". To wich the Altar boy Replied "in a while paedophile".

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2 muslim Mothers watching their children playing in the park, on says to the other. you have to enjoy them at this age, they blow up so quickly.

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whats the definition of lesbian?
just another f@*$&ing woman trying to do a mans job.

mm and thats it for the offensive ones lol

omfg
i love you all guys XD

a Dildo fell off a rubbish truck and hits car window an embarressed mum says "my that is a big insect" to wich her son says "im surprised that it can fly with a Co@# that big!"

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2 girls taking a shower 1 looks down and says, "mine is so hairy whys yours so smooth?" 2nd girl says "have you ever seen grass grow on a busy road?"


and i think thats all the dirty ones out of the way... i think ( i could post up the VERY bad ones lol)
(maybe ill post them to Kiri first see what she thinks lol)